Every year, Mormons hold something called “Campus Education Week,” it basically is a week on BYU-Provo Campus where any Mormon who has an expertise in something, or especially genial insights to share, can give a 4-day, 50-minute class about it. I attend classes nonstop from 8:30am until the last class ends at 9:25pm. Each year I walk away with at least a few life-changing insights. Here is a condensed (by about half) version of my notes. For maximum clarity, you’ll have to ask me about something in person. I also plan to post a Google Hangout of me going over them which I hope to put up shortly. Enjoy! (Click “Read More” in the bottom right corner–And apologies for the formatting!)
Education week 2013 notes, Best of (summarized, condensed, semi-sharable)
In communication, ambiguity is met with ambiguity.
“If you communicate with ambiguity, you will get it returned to you.” -Richard P. Himmer
———————2nd Hour
Day 1, August 20th, 2013, Joseph Grenny
***”The measure of our success as parents, however, will not rest solely on how our children turn out. That judgment would be just only if we could raise our families in a perfectly moral environment, and that now is not possible.”
Packer, May 1992
Agency is a skill. We need to develop it. It can get smaller or larger.
3:40 If we are not consciously aware of how we are shaping our choices, our choices are being shaped.
If we are not acting, we are being acted upon. “If we don’t understand what hobbles our agency, then we can’t magnify that very gift that God gave us.”
“If we’re not consciously aware of those things that shape our chocies, then you are being shaped.” 2 Ne 2:14, for your profit: God created all things and you can act or be acted upon.
We think motivation predicts change.
We think that motivation is the only way to change. If they don’t change, they don’t want to change. Therefore, we think the greatest source of change is a motivational speech. WRONG. Only 1% of the picture. ‘the problem is that I’m weak’. The willpower trap.
Agency: the capacity to control our behavior. [We have less of that than what we like to think]
MOTIVATION, ABILITY
PERSONAL
1. [No taste]
2. [Training]
SOCIAL
3. [Social Support]
4. [Social Support]
STRUCTURAL
5. Incentives, Credit Account [buffers choices with consequences]
6. Environment [Supportive environment, pay in cash]
$13 left in Cond. A; $27 left in cond. B
Condition A, Condition B: had the same willpower in both conditions
Blind and outnumbered. Yet we conclude “I’m just a loser”.
We lack ability, and all we do is motivate! “Now the king will slay us, as he has our brethren…” Alma 17:28
All we do is inspire, when we need to ENABLE.
“Any attempt to motivate the unable is more likely to create depression than change.”
If you want to act differently, ask, “What are the interpersonal, emotional, mental and other skills you need to be comfortable with new habits?”
E.g., we avoid because we feel incompetent.
“Soap it off or eat it later” “Using soap prevents 47% of disease” “Is the person next to you washing with soap?”
SOURCE 3, Provide accomplices
Study: Nicholas Christakis, If your best friend is overweight, you’re 57% more likely to look like him/her
-We start thinking it is ok.
Annanius was sent to Paul so he could have a christian community to be surrounded by
SOURCE 4, Everyone needs help
Luke 22:42-43
God intervenes by giving skills, usually by avoiding bad sources of influence.
Ergo, try to control the **sources of influence** that shape your behavior.
*****”The way to change my behavior is to take control of the things that control my behavior”
Once we no longer blind to these influences, we can say, “If I take this free sample, it is going to put me into a hot mode–do I want to go there?”
Having a poster of batman with “What would batman do” (pic is batman eating an apple). increased apple eating from 9% to 48%.
DAY 2, Ron McMillan
“If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man…” – James 3:2
Silence invalidates the other person–“you’re not even worth talking to”
***Ways to evaluate effective communication:
1. As a result of this conversation, are we closer to solving the problem than when we first began?
2. As a result of this conversation, is the relationship better than before?
Mutual purpose: You know that I care about your goals.
-share your good intentions
Mutual Respect: You know that I care about you.
Start with heart: get motives right
Want to win: refute points vs. Want to understand you deeply: ask questions
Day3—————————-
Ron McMillan
Accountability conversation
Villain story: we put responsibility for what is going wrong on the other person
Other people are bad and wrong. They do what they do because they actually take pleasure in it. They enjoy seeing me suffer.
-e.g., see neighbor at the market, wave and say hi, and they walk on by.
scientists
1. observe
2. hypothesis
3. experiment
“Not assuming the worst is different from assuming the best. Replace your judgments with question marks.”
***DON’T start with An accusation
INSTEAD, describe the gap (between expected performance and actual performance)
–factually describe what happened compared to expectation
-then ASK WHY
-then LISTEN
—-this minimizes defensiveness. I’m not judging or accusing. You are just asking why that gap exists
Don’t ever let a gap go above the line without thanking them
Start right (check): Warm vs. Cold
Kind demeanor vs. upset with gritted teeth
Crucial 30 seconds: the way you begin, is a small change that makes a big difference, the difference between putting the train on the track from SLC to denver or Texas
-Listen
-creates an opportunity for a deep connection. “I am listening to understand” {mutual respect–I care about you. What I want right now is to understand you}
Day4————————-
Joseph Smith’s objective/ mission in 1844: “I intend to lay a foundation that will revolutionize the whole world.”
“There has been a great difficulty in getting anything into the heads of this generation. It has been like splitting hemlock knots with a corndodger for a wedge, and a pumpkin for a beetle” -Joseph Smith
chaperone at a high school dance. Students dress immodestly
-guilt, lecture
Assumption: he knows what he needs to do, he just doesn’t want to do it.
Pers
Help them love what they hate
help them do what they can’t
Soc
Provide encouragement
provide assistance
Env.
change their economy
change their space
can’t be influenced when it is a fight for freedom. Must feel absolutely free to say no
Rather than verbal persuasion, God gives direct experience, the next most powerful is vicarious experience
Rather than say “take your meds”, take them to the dialysis center
Every organization that has a healthy culture, the leaders are storytellers.
The best storytellers have the most influence
Instead of getting upset, react with: “I suspect he is suffering from an unfortunate skill gap”
-forgive them for they know not what they do–an ability problem well recognized
We need deliberate practice–actual skills in real conditions.
-expect to act out lofty principles.
-didn’t understand how to “be kind” when e.g., my kids hold a party at my house w/o permission
-On the other hand, a sense of mastery influences us to want to do more (why are health nuts so eager to help others make the same changes they have? They are empowered!)
-Yet, We tend to grossly underinvest in new skill acquisition
Freshman not getting tetanus shots story. When they made them circle the clinic on a map, walk through it in your mind—increased results 3x!!!
-half of training time should be these types of activities
Report HOV violators 921-HERO
-make yourself accountable to others; daily report;
Don’t say “resist peer pressure” rather, “CREATE positive peer pressure”
Most of the bad choices we make are unconscious
DISTANCE
SOlution: make bad chocies harder, and good choices easier
–
—————-Class 3: 11:10
Day 1, Elder M. Russell Ballard
In so many ways, women are the heart of the church.
“Above all else, brethren, let us think straight” – Last words spoken by Melvin J. Ballard, grandfather. Died of Lukemia
anyone articulate can develop a following
Men have the unique responsibility to administer the priesthood, but they are not the priesthood.
Just as a woman cannot conceive a child without a man, neither can a man fully establish a family in the eternal perspective
in this church, what we know will always trump what we do not know
critical women are to the work of salvation”
men who, in any way demean women will answer to god for their action.
Any priesthood leader who does not fully include women in his stewardship fails to live the spirit of his calling… and his influence will diminish
3. Women and men are equal, but that does not mean they are the same
4. when go to the temple, both men and women are endowed with the same power
“the blessings of the priesthood are not confined to men alone”
-only you can show what faithful women look like and believe
It is a pointless exercise to try to rearrange the structure of God’s church.
We must stand for the plan! We cannot stand idly by.
Day 3—————
John R. Stoker, 11:15, Differences in Individual Communication
Daniel Goldman, mirror neurons
-First thing we assess is trustworthiness; next is attractiveness
People reflect their style back to you, and they reflect your style back to you (e.g., if you smile at someone, they tend to do the same to you)
reflection increases trust and engagement
DIFFERENT TYPES OF COMMUNICATORS
1. Initiators, want to get to it NOW
-often forceful and direct
-speak quickly and emphatically
-cold, direct
-“oh, you’re home? good. you’re grounded”
· Precise, concise, to the point
· Be prepared to offer solutions
· Know the solutions if asked (e.g., I think we should do this, this, or this. Why?)
2. Builder: about people
-funloving
-expressive and continuous
-process information out loud
-touchy, seek physical connections
-speak in term of analogy or metaphor. I’m feeling like a rocky road.
-“Oh, so nice to have you home. Did you have a good time? Good, because from now on you will be doing homework with us until 11pm”
· Be friendly, be interested in their ideas
· What they think they said and what they actually have said is often different. Ask, “So what you are saying is___________”
3. Connectors:
-want cooperation, peace and harmony
-warm and reserved, softspoken
-little if any eye contact. Most of the time won’t look at you.
-“Why do I ask? Oh, just wondering”
4. Discoverers: Analytical
-rely on data, facts
-task oriented
-Want to get things right now
· Give them time to think before demanding a response
Day3===================
Richard Himmer, Teach Vs. Tell (he is the man)
the purpose of a teaching moment is for the learner to learn
when you create a safe environment that is safe, without being judged on what their thinking, magic happens
to young men: an effective way to teach: What does the apostasy mean? What do your friends think about that? FACILITATE, don’t UNLOAD
Missionary Work is a social skill
Members job is to invite
Missionaries job is to teach
Holy Ghost is to convert
Wants are not the same thing as needs. Hardest thing for salesman
your friends cannot say yes until they have permission to say no
-if you make it so they can’t say no, they are removing their agency
-because we are so afraid to hear no (because we are afraid that we will be rejected)
“Is that something you want to know more about?” “It is alright to say no”
vs. manipulated, unauthentic. Oh you should come over to my house to have dinner and be SURPRISED by two missionaries
24 minutes we address the symptom of the problem
1. Be yourself
2. Be interested in your friend–the more you ask about them, the more that they will WANT to know about you!!!!!!!!!!! Law of reciprocity.
Best way to establish trust is to be there for them. Purely interested in them. That is affirmation
7 Skills of HOW
1. No unsolicited opinions
1. We are conditioned to insert our opinions into conversations (we think we are ENTITLED to have others get our opinion). We want them to agree with us.
2. Am I LISTENING or am I “Solving”?
1. When we tell them what we think they should do. Get pushback, removing agency, lost of trust and safety, loss of respect (usually your own)
2. No judging
3. no relating
4. neutral space
5. avoid blind spots
6. teach
7. get small commitments
When ask about the church: “Why do you want to know this?” Again, don’t unload. Get their permission to go deep.
DAY 4———– Richard Himmer
2 types of conversationalists:
(interest)TED: interested and care about the other person
(interest)TING: talk about them only, one-upper (relate everything to SELF—not always bad, but can be very bad)
Attitude: Are they people in the way, or are they children of God?
Satiated: feeling fulfilled by conversations—does this happen often to you?
A quick fix is neither. I didn’t say it would be easy, I said it would work. -W. Edwards Deming
“What do you think you should do?”
Conversations should be safe and neutral
How does getting someone agreeing with me
-MAKE THINGS BETTER
-INCREASE THEIR LEARNING
How does Blaming
-make things better
-increase learning
How is getting your child to agree that ‘you had it tough’ going to help?
-What does he/she learn?
-Teaching them that it is all about YOU, you don’t really care about THEM. Hence, they go elsewhere first before you.
Shame: “I AM a mistake”–you perceive you’re not worthy
–If you are in denial, you are beyond being able to be helped, takes T-I-M-E to be invited out of this.
**3 types of truth in our realities: Official, Ground, and Underground.
1.Official truth–what you display to everyone–“this is who I am that I am allowing everyone to see”
2. Ground truth: private truth–closest friends know, bishop knows, family knows:
3. Underground truth–truth you are afraid to face, but if you did it would transform your life
when we forcefeed children our version of truth, we remove their agency
interdependent means able to work as a team
codependent: need someone else to let you know or affirm who you are. The only one you only NEED approval, is Heavenly Father.
What we want more than anything else is safety.
Giving our point of view conditions them to shut down.
They then turn to safe space–usually bad influences—that accept them (safe)
So, would you rather have love or trust? BASED ON EVERYTHING
To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved – David O. McKay
D&C 68: 25, teach them the doctrines
God put us on earth for conflict, not to run from it (usually pain)
Unsolicited opinions are about the who instead of the what. Stop giving advice, and your advice will be at a premium.
Most people: ‘communicating is for others to know what I’m saying’
Should be: ‘Communication is to seek understanding’
There is a hierarchy to effective learning:
Teach
T r u s t
L i s t e n
S e e
Ask questions, don’t offer advice.
If agreement comes, it is only after understanding has been established
“In many conversations, we each set out to prove our points. Instead, we can only have this discussion if we give up that desire. We are not proving points, we are trying to understand”
———————-Class 4
Osguthorpe, Lesson is in the learner
Come, Follow Me
-Spend one month on a doctrine
to educate: comes from ‘educare’–to draw out [or to lead out] what lies within
A teacher’s job is to start a fire to want to learn more
Monson: “The calling of lecturer does not exist in the church. A lecturer imparts knowledge. But a teacher invites class members to learn, in part, by teaching one another.” Ensign, April 2010
Bednar, teaching is discerning so they know what to say for that group. S&I Training Meeting, August 2011
D&C 88:122, Annoint among yourselves a teacher.. [don’t force them, invite them. Lead them into it]. All edify all.
“What is inside me matters”
Teaching videos; lds.org—look these up!!
“counsel together” as a class. We have all the content we need in our pocket. Therefore, having a teacher go up there and deliver content is no longer an effective use of time.
We come together so the Lord can inspire us to think and **do in ways that can only be done with multiple people, multiple sources of revelation
Have them teach each other
Day2—————–
Matthew O. Richardson
Improve teaching in learning in the Church and in the Home
Wang Yang Ming,
There has never been a people who know but do not act. Those who are supposed to know but do not act simply do not yet know. – The unity of knowledge and action
Don’t play teaching ‘games’: Fill in my sentence, guess what is on my mind
“The best Gospel Teachers don’t drag learners along, they lead them along.” – Matthew O. Richardson
TO KNOW:
(Ginoskein) Greek: Intellectual looking at
Hebrew (yada): Active and intentional engagement in lived experience (like conocer in Spanish)
When you understand hebrew
“[In the Bible] knowledge is not thought of in terms of a possession of information. It is possessed only in its exercise or actualization’. -Bultmann
How to increase learning? Give them opportunities to do what they are learning about
John 7:17 If any man will DO his will he shall KNOW of the doctrine
Wang Yang Ming: Action and Knowledge are two words, but describe the same thing. We need both to appreciate the full process
“Ultimately education is a way of being with people” – Thomas Groome, Christian Religious Education, 137
What ere thou art, act well thy part. The covenants are the 18s–only work if all pieces are in place
be your role. Wanting to be a different role throws it all off
Agency doesn’t mean freedom to choose, it means freedom to do
it is the actual doing. Freedom to DO.
2 Nephi 33:2
Unto: Parent; Into: Child (both through the Holy Ghost)
Are you providing opportunities to act?
–Should be challenging to DO at the beginning, middle, and end AND follow up next week. We should be inviting up the wazoo. THEN, Promise blessings.
Every good thing in our life is a blessing from God
Day 3—————–David M. McConkie
The thing that differentiates Mormonism from historic Christianity is the principle of revelation.
We could sum up the differences between Mormonism between other religions in two words: God speaks
prepare the way to open the doors so that we can have a spiritual experience with the lord. OPPOSITE of ‘we have a lot to cover, so we won’t have very much time for discussion’
Joseph was asked to have faith to believe the things that God WILL say
-learn by faith means having a believing heart
“The meeting was ended, The Priesthood descended, Much delighted were they by the teachings, but they preferred the old way.” -Boyd K. Packer Therefore, what?
Sermons that do not lead to action, are like fires that do not heat, or water that does not quench. It is in the APPLICATION of doctrine that makes a difference -Uchtdorf
Ask yourself at the end of a lesson: does it really justify the sacrifice of Joseph Smith—teach to CHANGE UNDERSTANDING and leads to meaningful ACTION.
————Class 5, 1:50
Richard P. Himmer (the man!)
women: higher in social responsibility and empathy
Men score higher in stress tolerance and self-regard
Bar-on EQ 2.0 test: self-perception, self-expression, interpersonal, decision making, stress management.
Read Daniel Goleman emotional intelligence
5 CORE COMPETENCIES OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
1. self awareness (foundation): What triggers you? Are you aware when you are angry, frustrated, etc…
-recognizing and understanding your own emotions. What causes this in me? What impact do they have on others? What impact do others’ emotions have in return? Mormon 1:2
2. Self regulation (D&C 82:10). Assertiveness.: “Communicating beliefs and thoughts openly, and defending personal rights and values in a (1)socially acceptable, (2)non-offensive,& (3)nondestructive manner”
-Are you able to express these without offending?
root of sarcasm: sarcasmus–emotional flogging. Always at someone’s expense
THERE IS NO ADVANTAGE TO PASSIVITY. “The passive voice is rarely heard and the happiness level is low” [if passive, open themselves up to being bullied. They are not the reason, but they are part of the equation]. Debbie and Laura. “Do I have permission to hold you accountable for what you want?”
We use love as an excuse for giving people permission for doing things that are harmful to themselves, and then we feel good to enable that behavior.
When parents cease to hold children responsible, they cease to be parents. Happiness is a skillset. GOD NEVER ENABLES. Whenever God does an intervention, he doesn’t say “everything is great with you–keep on going.” God’s desire wasn’t to be loved, it was to be respected and trusted. (kids love–but don’t trust and respect–parents)
3. Self motivation D&C 88:118, 90:15: “The willingness to persistently try to improve oneself and engage in the pursuit of personally relevant and meaningful objectives that lead to a rich and enjoyable life.”
“This is an ongoing, dynamic process of striving” [What are you doing to invest in happiness on a regular basis?]
4. Empathy: “Recognizing, understanding, and appreciating how other people feel. Empathy is the ability to articulate your understanding of another’s perspective.” John 11
NOT ‘i lost my dad’–I know just what you’re talking about, I lost my sister. What happened? [changed topic from THEM, to THEMSELVES]. Don’t RELATE, EMPATHIZE (keep it about them). You don’t know what they’re feeling, because you’re not them.
Sympathy dict.: confused with compassion. REALLY: The feeling of sorrow for another (notice the pain)
Empathy: confused with sympathy REALLY: knowing the feelings of another through their eyes, not yours (understand the pain). E.g,. know what childbirth is FROM YOUR WIFE’S PERSPECTIVE. You’ve been diligently asking questions and LISTENING to KNOW WHAT IS ON THEIR MIND.
Compassion: feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow: REALLY: the pain and sorrow of another moves you to action (feeling the pain)
5. Interpersonal relationships: “The skill of developing and maintaining mutually satisfying relationships based on trust and respect.” (John 17:3; D&C 121)
-do you love your mom and dad? 100% yes
-do you trust your mom and dad? 100% no
-do you respect your mom and dad? 100% no
Two kinds of intimacy: emotional is the gateway to physical intimacy. Husband touches another human being vs. an object that drives me.
Am I going to be judged on the Lord’s affirmation, or the Lord’s trust?
Successful people stop questioning assumptions because everything works for them.
Anger is #1 offender of emotional spectrum.
-Skews judgment, alters the brain, reduces rationality, decreases likelihood of awareness, associated with pride/bullying
Day2——————-
Himmer
judgment statements, unsolicited opinions, teach, small commitments, neutral space
Every athlete has a coach. Doesn’t mean they are broken, just means they want to be their best.
20% of your success is due to your IQ. 47% of your success will be due to your EQ – Richard P. Himmer
100yrs of psychology is dealing with things that are broken and
The field of psychology is wholly unprepared to handle the solution (of how to be happy). – Martin Seligman
“Just because you’re right doesn’t give you permission to ensure that everyone knows it” -Dr. Richard P. Himmer
“You want a shortcut to success in emotional intelligence? Question your assumptions.” -Dr. Richard P. Himmer
Best, most successful people often stop learning because we think we already know
Day 3——————-
Himmer:
Instead of giving unsolicited advice, ask, “Are you aware of what you are doing, and do you want to know?” [But first ask, Is it safe??]
Review 1. Self aware
When you get mad, ask why.
-next time you get mad, write down why you think you got mad
-unless you are aware, you will never change
2. Self Regulate
-you can tell if your son doesn’t feel safe, and you can calibrate
3. Self-motivation, desire to improve onesself.
-When we focus on the HOW, then you are a lifelong learner
-we are a church about WHAT, not HOW
nurture always outperforms nature, in case you wanted to know.
–Helicopter parents: out of their version of love, take away agency and capacity to grow.
Parents who protect their children too much create offspring who…
-lack confidence
-are unable to achieve things on their own
Children need to:
-struggle in order to become confident
-make mistakes and fail in order to learn
Yada= to know, to be full of trust and respect; to love
“All we can do” simply means to repent.
God is the only one that can empathize through His eyes, everyone else can only empathize through their eyes
Kids are trying to learn who they are, and show others who they are
EQ edge, Emotional Intelligence, must read books
“Did I get that right?”
—DROP your voice down—
Day 4——————–
Expectations can hold us back from seeing higher options:
Expectation A: ‘I know their HISTORY’
Expectation B: You should be doing it the way I’m doing it. You aren’t living up to my PERCEPTION (this is codependency: expect them to behave as you want them to)
“When you live in your life, expecting others to live up to your perceptions, you are setting yourself up for a lot of frustrations”
“It is a fool who is offended when no offense is intended. It is a greater fool who is offended when the offense is intended”
you are giving them permission to control you
“Negative self-talk is an upper level graduate class in the doctorate program of the Natural Man” – Richard Himmer #BYUEdWeek
Getting offended
-is a choice
-a selfish reaction based on a lack of understanding and empathy
-It is a way to cover pain through the manufacturing of electro chemicals (opiates)
-It is a way to temporarily feel good (justified) about poor behavior
HAVEN’T even considered their point of view
-have poor self regard—to builly and put higher is to cover pain (gives opiates)
AAA are a byproduct of trust and respect
-don’t seek them for themselves
Collusion: the choice to behave in such a manner that you get exactly what you don’t want.
Addiction is a way to meet your needs and wants in a misapplied or dysfunctional way
Any activity that you cannot control, and that gets worse over time.
Some are professional get-offenders–it is the use of a substance or behavior for the purpose of removing pain or gaining pleasure
Addiction is a disease. A disease of choice.
cravings=new normal
Thalmus surveys the field, looks around, gives me the facts [it smells]
Amygdala interprets the facts [it smells like WWII, DANGER–you need to flee)
Parasymathetic, when amygdala triggers, turns off.
SLUDD, Salivation, Lacrimation (tears), Urination, Digestion, Deffication
we will be judged on overcoming our challenges
W. W. Phelps, formed mobs, gave false testimony, tried to force an execution order against the prophet, drove the saints out of Missouri.
Friends at first, are friends at last.
—————————–Class 6, 3:10
Steven Eastmond, Dealing with Difficult People, 2254 Conference Center (CONF), 3:10–4:05 p.m.
What is a difficult person?
The truth is, there is no such thing as a difficult person.
“People are only difficult to the extent that you and I have not yet developed the skills or tried the interventions needed to deal with the behaviors they bring to the table” – Steven Eastmond
If you consider them ‘difficult’ then chances are you will not see things the same way they do. Plan for that.
we intend to judge via stereotypes
PERSONALITY DIFFERENCES. They are just difference, let go of your sense of right (my way) and wrong (their way).
-Our natural tendency is to judge something how we would do something, “That’s weird, What are they doing” I would never do it that way”
Men and women (STEREOTYPES!!)
Literal (that diaper sure smells) vs hinters (Are we going to your mother in law’s again this week?)
Compartmentalized vs. everything relates
Fixers vs. listeners, validaters
**VALIDATION (HUGE)
-not agreeing or disagreeing (validation does neither)
“allows the other person to have their opinion and their emotions about the situation” don’t need to back off, nor become defensive. Merely let them have their opinion. “You have no reason to be mad at me” vs. “you know what, I don’t see it the same way as you do, But I can understand why that would make you mad. Lets talk it out, it is ok if you’re mad about me.”
-Don’t be intimidated or defensive about things people may say to you.
-Let them have their experience
appearances are such a poor measure monson
“some are lost because they are different” – Wirthlin
Day2————
Randal A. Wright
Victor L. Brown “Satan’s ultimate goal is to destroy the family, because if he would destroy the family, he will not have won the battle; he will have won the war.” – Ensign Jan. 1974, p.108
Make your children’s friends your friends
Study shows that fathers spend around 8 minutes a day
Working mothers spend 11 minutes a day
Stay at Home moms do not spend more than 30 minutes a day
-Child 2013
“Leaders do the things others are unwilling to do.” – Randal A. Wright
——————-Day3
Stephen Duncan, Making marriages that endure
Every puppy has a back end.
1. Preserving and protecting the front end, the part you are connected with.
2. Managing the back end. Unless you deal with that, the front end can’t love or lick you enough because everything just smells
Every couple, whether in the first or the twenty-first year of marriage, should discover the value of pillow-talk time at the end of the day–the perfect time to take inventory, to talk about tomorrow. .. forgive me..if add up, possible breakdown”
Robert L. Simpson, Ensign, May 1982, 21
4:30, Brian Andre
Wednesday
Ancient Indian meaning of charity:
*****Charity: to never treat in a manner that would make them feel ‘small’, including yourself
“Without women, the whole purpose of the creation of this world would be in vain.”
Russell M. Nelson, Lessons from Eve
Jehovah was placed in them. Abram — Abraham Sara–Sarah
Veil: sacred, holy, valuable
Satan: uncover
Hadassah (Ester in Hebrew, Ester is Persian)
Ester 4:14 Who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?
The measure of our love for our fellowman and, in a large sense, the measure of our love for the Lord, is what we do for one another and for the poor and distressed. -Kimball
You gave me what you need. You acknowledged me (story of woman in need).
Let your children see that you read the scriptures
——-Friday, Goodman, Courtship
Can recognize that they don’t have the qualities in a few dates; can’t recognize in a few weeks that they DO
Personality traits are amoral—witty, good sense of humor, sensible, intelligent. Leader (tyrant), popular, charisma
Marry for character. Intellect can be used for good or bad (sarcastic, cutting).
What happens when they are tired, ticked off, failing. If all you know is their personality, you will be hurting.
-Scott: deep love of lord, determination to live commandments, kind, understanding, forgiving, willing to give of self, desire to have a family, commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home.
*****
“The fact that they go to church says very little about their righteousness.” Fact that they go to the temple when no one is looking says a lot. The greatest indicator lies in how they treat others they are not trying to impress. Especially family members and those they are not pleased with.
Remember the difference between sufficient (private behavior) and necessary (public)
Key to seeing character traits: how is their relationship with others? Their habitual, private interactions (anyone with half a brain will treat you nice when they are trying to win you over). Roommates, mother, father, siblings.
Secret tip to getting to know: 4 seasons, and a road trip.
May 1999 ensign article = read
“Being selfless is not the same as being a doormat” – Michael A. Goodman #BYUEdWeek #Relationships #Truethat
love begets love, happiness imparts happiness – Orson Pratt
“True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time. Too often expediency, infatuation, stimulation, persuasion, or lust are mistaken for love. How hollow, how empty if our love is no deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them.” -Marvin J. Ashton
Love is a decision that leads to action. Love is an action that follows a decision.
Does yes mean “you have found heaven and there will never be a problem”? NO
Ronald E. Bartholomew: D&C
Prophecies: inspired promise
D&C 4:1, A great and marvelous work. Do we know it is marvelous? We know it is work.
-of peace and eternal life
or, great and marvelous because they will be brought to destruction.
D&C 10:43, 136:17: The Lord will not suffer the wicked to destroy his work.
You have the Lord’s wisdom on your side. So many are afraid that the Devil will destroy them. NOT TRUE! You have the Holy Ghost, the light of Christ. Prophets, the Church, local leaders, scriptures. There is no way Satan can get you if you listen to his words.
What is the Lord’s work? YOU ARE. Moses 1:39
“Scriptures aren’t God’s work. They are the means He gives to bring to pass His work.” #edweek #byueducationweek (because WE ARE HIS WORK)
NYTimes.com: Hanns Madsen and doubts. What did he miss? Elder Holland’s talk.
“The Lord will not suffer the wicked to destroy his work.” -Ronald E. Bartholomew. And JS D&C 10:43
“The Lord will not suffer the wicked to destroy his work.” D&C 10:43 -Why we shouldn’t worry about trends in the world. -Ronald E. Bartholomew
D&C referencs:
Prophecies: His voice will be unto all people: 1:2, 4, 11
Knowledge of the Savior will go to all people. 3:16-20
Gospel will be taught to all nations. 42:58
Brian Tolman
The church is asking the youth to do more. The world asks less and less of us. ‘Whatever you want to do.’
———————7:10 Class
Thomas J. Taylor
How Will You Be Remembered? Crafting a Compelling Personal History
456 Martin Building (MARB), 7:10–8:05 p.m.
History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill
Life stories “should be”: 1. Complete 2. Comprehensive 3. Chronological !NOT necessarily!
The best writers “know what to leave out”
One hour values statement, ethical will; personal history highlights
Can be SPECIFIC, e.g., time period: war years, childhood, courtship
Can be NON SEQUENTIAL
-can start with a dramatic incident. Flashbacks. A patchwork of stories; by topic, theme or focused timeframe
Visual appealing
The soul never thinks without an image – Aristotle
emotional impact. Consider your audience
“The way to get good ideas is to get lots of ideas and throw the bad ones away.” -Linus Pauling
Steps to start
1. Consider the possibilities
2. Define your purpose, audience, and scope
3. create a timeline and brainstorm list
4. father inventory and personal history assets
5. add new ideas to your timeline and brainstorm list
6. select and prioritize 20 items
Audience:
Who will read your book or watch your video?
For whom is this being made?
Who are they? What are they like? What do they care about? What do they mean to you?
-they want to know what you were like when you were their age. What are commonalities you went through? What connects?
My adventures in X
All the horses I have owned–a metaphor
Funny stories about when I lived in Hollywood
Examples of God’s tender mercies
my battle with mental illness
a love story about my wife
Objective: I want to make my wife cry.
Just start filling in a timeline
Use memory trigger questions to stimulate ideas–familysearch.org ; story core; universities have great lists of questions to stimulate talking about your life. MEMORY TRIGGERS; Look at a historical timeline
Brainstorm: people; places; problems; events
Personal history assets: any palpable items: jewelry, clippings, recordings, etc.. [always add captions!]
try to involve your family–get them to give their perspective
THEN PRIORITIZE
from your timeline, ask, “If I died tomorrow, I’d have to have this story told”. Then start writing.
Personal Historian 2. Personal history software.
Day3————-
Bartholomew AWESOME
“Line Upon Line” and Continuing Revelation
****LU Bednar A faulty assumption hinders our responding to the HG
We assume we will receive and answer quickly and all at one time. Rather, many small answers over a period of time New Era, September 2010
like the light that comes from a horizon! Gradually descend on us as the dews from heaven.
We get many many small parts, that we have to act on. We get a small piece and say, ‘this doesn’t look like anything’
1. collect the puzzle pieces, here a little, there a little, by writing them down, pondering, praying, and acting/living them
2. Start to put the puzzle together
We are conditioned to get what we want now. But that is how I want it to work! -we complain.
Revelations by JS were not all at once. Revelations received by Joseph were fluid–growing, expanding and changing.
Section 25 and 27 were revised and expanded before being published in the book of commandments
Blacks and the priesthood? Polygamy? The answer is continuing revelation. That is the answer. It is only a problem if you have a faulty assumption that it comes all at once and completely.
Sometimes the answer is wait. Wait for more light.
There isn’t a way “it is always going to be” be open to the flow!
Day 4—————Bartholomew
We are excited… until we see what another person has. …till we find out where are friends are going on their mission…. until we find out what someone else’s job is…. until they find out who they are dating
“I hope I’m never the same” –What Bro. Bartholomew says after a really good talk.
Pride says “If you succeed, I am a failure.” #EzraTaftBenson #Pride #BYUEdWeek
Alma 29 sin of wanting to be an angel: It was not his role, assignment, allotment. [what e’re thou art…]
What should we desire?
Prayer is a relationship. Move it from the ‘transaction’ category.
There are few things as attractive as someone who is truly honest with themselves
two hearts, one soul = marriage ; that is ALSO what prayer is. 3 Nephi 19:24, given unto them what to say; Helaman 10:5, will not ask that which is against my will
“If you have a relationship with someone, you don’t have to remember to think about them. Develop a relationship with God”
natural and instinctive.–Prayer from bible dictionary
Prayer isn’t asking for anything, it is communion. They should be inspired by the spirit, seek his will, rather than force our will. That’s why He answers every sincere prayer.
We are living beneath what God wants for us. That is why Joseph was so eloquent. He was willing to go where God was.
Work on God’s projects, not yours.
Do not postpone a prompting; rather, act on it, and the lord will open the way. -April 2005 General Conference Monson
President Eyring, be quick to obey. Procrastination and inconsistency interrupt revelation!
Misc
8:30
Ed Gantt, Secularism
Secularism takes that only scientific answers matter, science can’t answer some questions.
Secular psychologists assume God is a myth and we are the result of spontaneous generation and evolution
Psychology’s goal: Prediction, control, and explain human behavior
“By saying that nature is lawful, we mean that every event can be understood as a predictable sequence of natural causes and effects. Thus, in the same way that the ‘law of gravity’ governs the behavior of planets or the …. psychologists assume there are laws of nature that govern the behavior of individuals. Viewing behavior as lawful leads to a second, related assumption: we assume that all behavior is ‘determined.’ Determinism means that behavior is solely influenced by natural causes and does not depend on an individual’s choice or free will… Likewise, we assume that you cannot freely choose to exhibit a particular personality or respond in a particular way in a given situation.”
Gary W. Heiman, Understanding Research Methods and Statistics
“In all instances our behavior is caused by brain events.” -Dr. Patricia M. Churchland, Reflections on the Nueral Basis of Morality
we are all part of a deterministic system that someday, in theory, we will completely understand
Dr. Michael Gazzaniga
Ethical egoism: a claim about how you ought to behave to get most pleasure out of life
Psychological egoism: you are inescapably driven to seek to maximize pleasure, even if unaware of it
“If you want to try living a higher level of your religion, try serving those who have long since stopped being noticed by most people” -H. Wallace Goddard
find a small way to make a difference
Write two or three things that went well in your week. You can always find something to be grateful for if you do this. Amplify your view!!
Ryan Sharp
Day3—————-
Trusting that the lord can heal the wounded soul
The major difference between the Lamanites and the Nephites? Armor.
Does cowering in our armor, getting hit over and over–does that sound like the plan of salvation? NO! Get out your sword of the Spirit and get proactive!
When you feel the spirit, do you have any desire to sin? NONE
Walk in the spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lusts of the flesh
Alma 44:5, the sacred word of God, to which we owe all our happiness
The God of Heaven knows our unseen wounds, and has the power to heal them. I. Have. Experienced it. #RyanSharp #BYUEdWeek
–Stockdale paradox: Optimists lasted the least amount of time in poor situations.
We’re going to be rescued by Easter… Christmas. Ergo: Be happy today.
It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.
Matt Beecher, missionary work
If you open your mouth, it becomes easier; If you don’t, it becomes harder D&C 60:2-3
“Scott, I’m going to ask you a question. But before I ask, we need to agree that our friendship won’t be affected if you decide that this isn’t of interest to you. Okay?”
Ask people to help you. E.g., it is in Spanish, and I’m rusty.
No Weapon Shall Prosper, Robert L. Millet = Great book on tough questions
Blogs That Promote Discussion:
ablogaboutlove.com
MormonPerspectives.com
NextDoorMormon.com
RealLifeAnswers.org
“I really can’t consider a Christian a good, moral person if he isn’t trying to convert me.” –Christopher Hitchens “I don’t respect people who don’t proselytize. I don’t respect that at all. If you believe that there’s a heaven and hell and people could be going to hell or not getting eternal life or whatever, and you think that it’s not really worth telling them this because it would make it socially awkward…. How much do you have to hate somebody to believe that everlasting life is possible and not tell them that?” –Penn Jillette
—————LAST CLASS
Goddard, Joy in the gospel
Three Keys to Wellbeing
1. Savor
2. Using your Strengths
3. Serve
If you have all 3, you have a full life.
In communication, ambiguity is met with ambiguity.
“If you communicate with ambiguity, you will get it returned to you.” -Richard P. Himmer
———————2nd Hour
Day 1, August 20th, 2013, Joseph Grenny
***”The measure of our success as parents, however, will not rest solely on how our children turn out. That judgment would be just only if we could raise our families in a perfectly moral environment, and that now is not possible.”
Packer, May 1992
Agency is a skill. We need to develop it. It can get smaller or larger.
3:40 If we are not consciously aware of how we are shaping our choices, our choices are being shaped.
If we are not acting, we are being acted upon. “If we don’t understand what hobbles our agency, then we can’t magnify that very gift that God gave us.”
“If we’re not consciously aware of those things that shape our chocies, then you are being shaped.” 2 Ne 2:14, for your profit: God created all things and you can act or be acted upon.
We think motivation predicts change.
We think that motivation is the only way to change. If they don’t change, they don’t want to change. Therefore, we think the greatest source of change is a motivational speech. WRONG. Only 1% of the picture. ‘the problem is that I’m weak’. The willpower trap.
Agency: the capacity to control our behavior. [We have less of that than what we like to think]
MOTIVATION, ABILITY
PERSONAL
1. [No taste]
2. [Training]
SOCIAL
3. [Social Support]
4. [Social Support]
STRUCTURAL
5. Incentives, Credit Account [buffers choices with consequences]
6. Environment [Supportive environment, pay in cash]
$13 left in Cond. A; $27 left in cond. B
Condition A, Condition B: had the same willpower in both conditions
Blind and outnumbered. Yet we conclude “I’m just a loser”.
We lack ability, and all we do is motivate! “Now the king will slay us, as he has our brethren…” Alma 17:28
All we do is inspire, when we need to ENABLE.
“Any attempt to motivate the unable is more likely to create depression than change.”
If you want to act differently, ask, “What are the interpersonal, emotional, mental and other skills you need to be comfortable with new habits?”
E.g., we avoid because we feel incompetent.
“Soap it off or eat it later” “Using soap prevents 47% of disease” “Is the person next to you washing with soap?”
SOURCE 3, Provide accomplices
Study: Nicholas Christakis, If your best friend is overweight, you’re 57% more likely to look like him/her
-We start thinking it is ok.
Annanius was sent to Paul so he could have a christian community to be surrounded by
SOURCE 4, Everyone needs help
Luke 22:42-43
God intervenes by giving skills, usually by avoiding bad sources of influence.
Ergo, try to control the **sources of influence** that shape your behavior.
*****”The way to change my behavior is to take control of the things that control my behavior”
Once we no longer blind to these influences, we can say, “If I take this free sample, it is going to put me into a hot mode–do I want to go there?”
Having a poster of batman with “What would batman do” (pic is batman eating an apple). increased apple eating from 9% to 48%.
DAY 2, Ron McMillan
“If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man…” – James 3:2
Silence invalidates the other person–“you’re not even worth talking to”
***Ways to evaluate effective communication:
1. As a result of this conversation, are we closer to solving the problem than when we first began?
2. As a result of this conversation, is the relationship better than before?
Mutual purpose: You know that I care about your goals.
-share your good intentions
Mutual Respect: You know that I care about you.
Start with heart: get motives right
Want to win: refute points vs. Want to understand you deeply: ask questions
Day3—————————-
Ron McMillan
Accountability conversation
Villain story: we put responsibility for what is going wrong on the other person
Other people are bad and wrong. They do what they do because they actually take pleasure in it. They enjoy seeing me suffer.
-e.g., see neighbor at the market, wave and say hi, and they walk on by.
scientists
1. observe
2. hypothesis
3. experiment
“Not assuming the worst is different from assuming the best. Replace your judgments with question marks.”
***DON’T start with An accusation
INSTEAD, describe the gap (between expected performance and actual performance)
–factually describe what happened compared to expectation
-then ASK WHY
-then LISTEN
—-this minimizes defensiveness. I’m not judging or accusing. You are just asking why that gap exists
Don’t ever let a gap go above the line without thanking them
Start right (check): Warm vs. Cold
Kind demeanor vs. upset with gritted teeth
Crucial 30 seconds: the way you begin, is a small change that makes a big difference, the difference between putting the train on the track from SLC to denver or Texas
-Listen
-creates an opportunity for a deep connection. “I am listening to understand” {mutual respect–I care about you. What I want right now is to understand you}
Day4————————-
Joseph Smith’s objective/ mission in 1844: “I intend to lay a foundation that will revolutionize the whole world.”
“There has been a great difficulty in getting anything into the heads of this generation. It has been like splitting hemlock knots with a corndodger for a wedge, and a pumpkin for a beetle” -Joseph Smith
chaperone at a high school dance. Students dress immodestly
-guilt, lecture
Assumption: he knows what he needs to do, he just doesn’t want to do it.
Pers
Help them love what they hate
help them do what they can’t
Soc
Provide encouragement
provide assistance
Env.
change their economy
change their space
can’t be influenced when it is a fight for freedom. Must feel absolutely free to say no
Rather than verbal persuasion, God gives direct experience, the next most powerful is vicarious experience
Rather than say “take your meds”, take them to the dialysis center
Every organization that has a healthy culture, the leaders are storytellers.
The best storytellers have the most influence
Instead of getting upset, react with: “I suspect he is suffering from an unfortunate skill gap”
-forgive them for they know not what they do–an ability problem well recognized
We need deliberate practice–actual skills in real conditions.
-expect to act out lofty principles.
-didn’t understand how to “be kind” when e.g., my kids hold a party at my house w/o permission
-On the other hand, a sense of mastery influences us to want to do more (why are health nuts so eager to help others make the same changes they have? They are empowered!)
-Yet, We tend to grossly underinvest in new skill acquisition
Freshman not getting tetanus shots story. When they made them circle the clinic on a map, walk through it in your mind—increased results 3x!!!
-half of training time should be these types of activities
Report HOV violators 921-HERO
-make yourself accountable to others; daily report;
Don’t say “resist peer pressure” rather, “CREATE positive peer pressure”
Most of the bad choices we make are unconscious
DISTANCE
SOlution: make bad chocies harder, and good choices easier
–
—————-Class 3: 11:10
Day 1, Elder M. Russell Ballard
In so many ways, women are the heart of the church.
“Above all else, brethren, let us think straight” – Last words spoken by Melvin J. Ballard, grandfather. Died of Lukemia
anyone articulate can develop a following
Men have the unique responsibility to administer the priesthood, but they are not the priesthood.
Just as a woman cannot conceive a child without a man, neither can a man fully establish a family in the eternal perspective
in this church, what we know will always trump what we do not know
critical women are to the work of salvation”
men who, in any way demean women will answer to god for their action.
Any priesthood leader who does not fully include women in his stewardship fails to live the spirit of his calling… and his influence will diminish
3. Women and men are equal, but that does not mean they are the same
4. when go to the temple, both men and women are endowed with the same power
“the blessings of the priesthood are not confined to men alone”
-only you can show what faithful women look like and believe
It is a pointless exercise to try to rearrange the structure of God’s church.
We must stand for the plan! We cannot stand idly by.
Day 3—————
John R. Stoker, 11:15, Differences in Individual Communication
Daniel Goldman, mirror neurons
-First thing we assess is trustworthiness; next is attractiveness
People reflect their style back to you, and they reflect your style back to you (e.g., if you smile at someone, they tend to do the same to you)
reflection increases trust and engagement
DIFFERENT TYPES OF COMMUNICATORS
1. Initiators, want to get to it NOW
-often forceful and direct
-speak quickly and emphatically
-cold, direct
-“oh, you’re home? good. you’re grounded”
· Precise, concise, to the point
· Be prepared to offer solutions
· Know the solutions if asked (e.g., I think we should do this, this, or this. Why?)
2. Builder: about people
-funloving
-expressive and continuous
-process information out loud
-touchy, seek physical connections
-speak in term of analogy or metaphor. I’m feeling like a rocky road.
-“Oh, so nice to have you home. Did you have a good time? Good, because from now on you will be doing homework with us until 11pm”
· Be friendly, be interested in their ideas
· What they think they said and what they actually have said is often different. Ask, “So what you are saying is___________”
3. Connectors:
-want cooperation, peace and harmony
-warm and reserved, softspoken
-little if any eye contact. Most of the time won’t look at you.
-“Why do I ask? Oh, just wondering”
4. Discoverers: Analytical
-rely on data, facts
-task oriented
-Want to get things right now
· Give them time to think before demanding a response
Day3===================
Richard Himmer, Teach Vs. Tell (he is the man)
the purpose of a teaching moment is for the learner to learn
when you create a safe environment that is safe, without being judged on what their thinking, magic happens
to young men: an effective way to teach: What does the apostasy mean? What do your friends think about that? FACILITATE, don’t UNLOAD
Missionary Work is a social skill
Members job is to invite
Missionaries job is to teach
Holy Ghost is to convert
Wants are not the same thing as needs. Hardest thing for salesman
your friends cannot say yes until they have permission to say no
-if you make it so they can’t say no, they are removing their agency
-because we are so afraid to hear no (because we are afraid that we will be rejected)
“Is that something you want to know more about?” “It is alright to say no”
vs. manipulated, unauthentic. Oh you should come over to my house to have dinner and be SURPRISED by two missionaries
24 minutes we address the symptom of the problem
1. Be yourself
2. Be interested in your friend–the more you ask about them, the more that they will WANT to know about you!!!!!!!!!!! Law of reciprocity.
Best way to establish trust is to be there for them. Purely interested in them. That is affirmation
7 Skills of HOW
1. No unsolicited opinions
1. We are conditioned to insert our opinions into conversations (we think we are ENTITLED to have others get our opinion). We want them to agree with us.
2. Am I LISTENING or am I “Solving”?
1. When we tell them what we think they should do. Get pushback, removing agency, lost of trust and safety, loss of respect (usually your own)
2. No judging
3. no relating
4. neutral space
5. avoid blind spots
6. teach
7. get small commitments
When ask about the church: “Why do you want to know this?” Again, don’t unload. Get their permission to go deep.
DAY 4———– Richard Himmer
2 types of conversationalists:
(interest)TED: interested and care about the other person
(interest)TING: talk about them only, one-upper (relate everything to SELF—not always bad, but can be very bad)
Attitude: Are they people in the way, or are they children of God?
Satiated: feeling fulfilled by conversations—does this happen often to you?
A quick fix is neither. I didn’t say it would be easy, I said it would work. -W. Edwards Deming
“What do you think you should do?”
Conversations should be safe and neutral
How does getting someone agreeing with me
-MAKE THINGS BETTER
-INCREASE THEIR LEARNING
How does Blaming
-make things better
-increase learning
How is getting your child to agree that ‘you had it tough’ going to help?
-What does he/she learn?
-Teaching them that it is all about YOU, you don’t really care about THEM. Hence, they go elsewhere first before you.
Shame: “I AM a mistake”–you perceive you’re not worthy
–If you are in denial, you are beyond being able to be helped, takes T-I-M-E to be invited out of this.
**3 types of truth in our realities: Official, Ground, and Underground.
1.Official truth–what you display to everyone–“this is who I am that I am allowing everyone to see”
2. Ground truth: private truth–closest friends know, bishop knows, family knows:
3. Underground truth–truth you are afraid to face, but if you did it would transform your life
when we forcefeed children our version of truth, we remove their agency
interdependent means able to work as a team
codependent: need someone else to let you know or affirm who you are. The only one you only NEED approval, is Heavenly Father.
What we want more than anything else is safety.
Giving our point of view conditions them to shut down.
They then turn to safe space–usually bad influences—that accept them (safe)
So, would you rather have love or trust? BASED ON EVERYTHING
To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved – David O. McKay
D&C 68: 25, teach them the doctrines
God put us on earth for conflict, not to run from it (usually pain)
Unsolicited opinions are about the who instead of the what. Stop giving advice, and your advice will be at a premium.
Most people: ‘communicating is for others to know what I’m saying’
Should be: ‘Communication is to seek understanding’
There is a hierarchy to effective learning:
Teach
T r u s t
L i s t e n
S e e
Ask questions, don’t offer advice.
If agreement comes, it is only after understanding has been established
“In many conversations, we each set out to prove our points. Instead, we can only have this discussion if we give up that desire. We are not proving points, we are trying to understand”
———————-Class 4
Osguthorpe, Lesson is in the learner
Come, Follow Me
-Spend one month on a doctrine
to educate: comes from ‘educare’–to draw out [or to lead out] what lies within
A teacher’s job is to start a fire to want to learn more
Monson: “The calling of lecturer does not exist in the church. A lecturer imparts knowledge. But a teacher invites class members to learn, in part, by teaching one another.” Ensign, April 2010
Bednar, teaching is discerning so they know what to say for that group. S&I Training Meeting, August 2011
D&C 88:122, Annoint among yourselves a teacher.. [don’t force them, invite them. Lead them into it]. All edify all.
“What is inside me matters”
Teaching videos; lds.org—look these up!!
“counsel together” as a class. We have all the content we need in our pocket. Therefore, having a teacher go up there and deliver content is no longer an effective use of time.
We come together so the Lord can inspire us to think and **do in ways that can only be done with multiple people, multiple sources of revelation
Have them teach each other
Day2—————–
Matthew O. Richardson
Improve teaching in learning in the Church and in the Home
Wang Yang Ming,
There has never been a people who know but do not act. Those who are supposed to know but do not act simply do not yet know. – The unity of knowledge and action
Don’t play teaching ‘games’: Fill in my sentence, guess what is on my mind
“The best Gospel Teachers don’t drag learners along, they lead them along.” – Matthew O. Richardson
TO KNOW:
(Ginoskein) Greek: Intellectual looking at
Hebrew (yada): Active and intentional engagement in lived experience (like conocer in Spanish)
When you understand hebrew
“[In the Bible] knowledge is not thought of in terms of a possession of information. It is possessed only in its exercise or actualization’. -Bultmann
How to increase learning? Give them opportunities to do what they are learning about
John 7:17 If any man will DO his will he shall KNOW of the doctrine
Wang Yang Ming: Action and Knowledge are two words, but describe the same thing. We need both to appreciate the full process
“Ultimately education is a way of being with people” – Thomas Groome, Christian Religious Education, 137
What ere thou art, act well thy part. The covenants are the 18s–only work if all pieces are in place
be your role. Wanting to be a different role throws it all off
Agency doesn’t mean freedom to choose, it means freedom to do
it is the actual doing. Freedom to DO.
2 Nephi 33:2
Unto: Parent; Into: Child (both through the Holy Ghost)
Are you providing opportunities to act?
–Should be challenging to DO at the beginning, middle, and end AND follow up next week. We should be inviting up the wazoo. THEN, Promise blessings.
Every good thing in our life is a blessing from God
Day 3—————–David M. McConkie
The thing that differentiates Mormonism from historic Christianity is the principle of revelation.
We could sum up the differences between Mormonism between other religions in two words: God speaks
prepare the way to open the doors so that we can have a spiritual experience with the lord. OPPOSITE of ‘we have a lot to cover, so we won’t have very much time for discussion’
Joseph was asked to have faith to believe the things that God WILL say
-learn by faith means having a believing heart
“The meeting was ended, The Priesthood descended, Much delighted were they by the teachings, but they preferred the old way.” -Boyd K. Packer Therefore, what?
Sermons that do not lead to action, are like fires that do not heat, or water that does not quench. It is in the APPLICATION of doctrine that makes a difference -Uchtdorf
Ask yourself at the end of a lesson: does it really justify the sacrifice of Joseph Smith—teach to CHANGE UNDERSTANDING and leads to meaningful ACTION.
————Class 5, 1:50
Richard P. Himmer (the man!)
women: higher in social responsibility and empathy
Men score higher in stress tolerance and self-regard
Bar-on EQ 2.0 test: self-perception, self-expression, interpersonal, decision making, stress management.
Read Daniel Goleman emotional intelligence
5 CORE COMPETENCIES OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
1. self awareness (foundation): What triggers you? Are you aware when you are angry, frustrated, etc…
-recognizing and understanding your own emotions. What causes this in me? What impact do they have on others? What impact do others’ emotions have in return? Mormon 1:2
2. Self regulation (D&C 82:10). Assertiveness.: “Communicating beliefs and thoughts openly, and defending personal rights and values in a (1)socially acceptable, (2)non-offensive,& (3)nondestructive manner”
-Are you able to express these without offending?
root of sarcasm: sarcasmus–emotional flogging. Always at someone’s expense
THERE IS NO ADVANTAGE TO PASSIVITY. “The passive voice is rarely heard and the happiness level is low” [if passive, open themselves up to being bullied. They are not the reason, but they are part of the equation]. Debbie and Laura. “Do I have permission to hold you accountable for what you want?”
We use love as an excuse for giving people permission for doing things that are harmful to themselves, and then we feel good to enable that behavior.
When parents cease to hold children responsible, they cease to be parents. Happiness is a skillset. GOD NEVER ENABLES. Whenever God does an intervention, he doesn’t say “everything is great with you–keep on going.” God’s desire wasn’t to be loved, it was to be respected and trusted. (kids love–but don’t trust and respect–parents)
3. Self motivation D&C 88:118, 90:15: “The willingness to persistently try to improve oneself and engage in the pursuit of personally relevant and meaningful objectives that lead to a rich and enjoyable life.”
“This is an ongoing, dynamic process of striving” [What are you doing to invest in happiness on a regular basis?]
4. Empathy: “Recognizing, understanding, and appreciating how other people feel. Empathy is the ability to articulate your understanding of another’s perspective.” John 11
NOT ‘i lost my dad’–I know just what you’re talking about, I lost my sister. What happened? [changed topic from THEM, to THEMSELVES]. Don’t RELATE, EMPATHIZE (keep it about them). You don’t know what they’re feeling, because you’re not them.
Sympathy dict.: confused with compassion. REALLY: The feeling of sorrow for another (notice the pain)
Empathy: confused with sympathy REALLY: knowing the feelings of another through their eyes, not yours (understand the pain). E.g,. know what childbirth is FROM YOUR WIFE’S PERSPECTIVE. You’ve been diligently asking questions and LISTENING to KNOW WHAT IS ON THEIR MIND.
Compassion: feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow: REALLY: the pain and sorrow of another moves you to action (feeling the pain)
5. Interpersonal relationships: “The skill of developing and maintaining mutually satisfying relationships based on trust and respect.” (John 17:3; D&C 121)
-do you love your mom and dad? 100% yes
-do you trust your mom and dad? 100% no
-do you respect your mom and dad? 100% no
Two kinds of intimacy: emotional is the gateway to physical intimacy. Husband touches another human being vs. an object that drives me.
Am I going to be judged on the Lord’s affirmation, or the Lord’s trust?
Successful people stop questioning assumptions because everything works for them.
Anger is #1 offender of emotional spectrum.
-Skews judgment, alters the brain, reduces rationality, decreases likelihood of awareness, associated with pride/bullying
Day2——————-
Himmer
judgment statements, unsolicited opinions, teach, small commitments, neutral space
Every athlete has a coach. Doesn’t mean they are broken, just means they want to be their best.
20% of your success is due to your IQ. 47% of your success will be due to your EQ – Richard P. Himmer
100yrs of psychology is dealing with things that are broken and
The field of psychology is wholly unprepared to handle the solution (of how to be happy). – Martin Seligman
“Just because you’re right doesn’t give you permission to ensure that everyone knows it” -Dr. Richard P. Himmer
“You want a shortcut to success in emotional intelligence? Question your assumptions.” -Dr. Richard P. Himmer
Best, most successful people often stop learning because we think we already know
Day 3——————-
Himmer:
Instead of giving unsolicited advice, ask, “Are you aware of what you are doing, and do you want to know?” [But first ask, Is it safe??]
Review 1. Self aware
When you get mad, ask why.
-next time you get mad, write down why you think you got mad
-unless you are aware, you will never change
2. Self Regulate
-you can tell if your son doesn’t feel safe, and you can calibrate
3. Self-motivation, desire to improve onesself.
-When we focus on the HOW, then you are a lifelong learner
-we are a church about WHAT, not HOW
nurture always outperforms nature, in case you wanted to know.
–Helicopter parents: out of their version of love, take away agency and capacity to grow.
Parents who protect their children too much create offspring who…
-lack confidence
-are unable to achieve things on their own
Children need to:
-struggle in order to become confident
-make mistakes and fail in order to learn
Yada= to know, to be full of trust and respect; to love
“All we can do” simply means to repent.
God is the only one that can empathize through His eyes, everyone else can only empathize through their eyes
Kids are trying to learn who they are, and show others who they are
EQ edge, Emotional Intelligence, must read books
“Did I get that right?”
—DROP your voice down—
Day 4——————–
Expectations can hold us back from seeing higher options:
Expectation A: ‘I know their HISTORY’
Expectation B: You should be doing it the way I’m doing it. You aren’t living up to my PERCEPTION (this is codependency: expect them to behave as you want them to)
“When you live in your life, expecting others to live up to your perceptions, you are setting yourself up for a lot of frustrations”
“It is a fool who is offended when no offense is intended. It is a greater fool who is offended when the offense is intended”
you are giving them permission to control you
“Negative self-talk is an upper level graduate class in the doctorate program of the Natural Man” – Richard Himmer #BYUEdWeek
Getting offended
-is a choice
-a selfish reaction based on a lack of understanding and empathy
-It is a way to cover pain through the manufacturing of electro chemicals (opiates)
-It is a way to temporarily feel good (justified) about poor behavior
HAVEN’T even considered their point of view
-have poor self regard—to builly and put higher is to cover pain (gives opiates)
AAA are a byproduct of trust and respect
-don’t seek them for themselves
Collusion: the choice to behave in such a manner that you get exactly what you don’t want.
Addiction is a way to meet your needs and wants in a misapplied or dysfunctional way
Any activity that you cannot control, and that gets worse over time.
Some are professional get-offenders–it is the use of a substance or behavior for the purpose of removing pain or gaining pleasure
Addiction is a disease. A disease of choice.
cravings=new normal
Thalmus surveys the field, looks around, gives me the facts [it smells]
Amygdala interprets the facts [it smells like WWII, DANGER–you need to flee)
Parasymathetic, when amygdala triggers, turns off.
SLUDD, Salivation, Lacrimation (tears), Urination, Digestion, Deffication
we will be judged on overcoming our challenges
W. W. Phelps, formed mobs, gave false testimony, tried to force an execution order against the prophet, drove the saints out of Missouri.
Friends at first, are friends at last.
—————————–Class 6, 3:10
Steven Eastmond, Dealing with Difficult People, 2254 Conference Center (CONF), 3:10–4:05 p.m.
What is a difficult person?
The truth is, there is no such thing as a difficult person.
“People are only difficult to the extent that you and I have not yet developed the skills or tried the interventions needed to deal with the behaviors they bring to the table” – Steven Eastmond
If you consider them ‘difficult’ then chances are you will not see things the same way they do. Plan for that.
we intend to judge via stereotypes
PERSONALITY DIFFERENCES. They are just difference, let go of your sense of right (my way) and wrong (their way).
-Our natural tendency is to judge something how we would do something, “That’s weird, What are they doing” I would never do it that way”
Men and women (STEREOTYPES!!)
Literal (that diaper sure smells) vs hinters (Are we going to your mother in law’s again this week?)
Compartmentalized vs. everything relates
Fixers vs. listeners, validaters
**VALIDATION (HUGE)
-not agreeing or disagreeing (validation does neither)
“allows the other person to have their opinion and their emotions about the situation” don’t need to back off, nor become defensive. Merely let them have their opinion. “You have no reason to be mad at me” vs. “you know what, I don’t see it the same way as you do, But I can understand why that would make you mad. Lets talk it out, it is ok if you’re mad about me.”
-Don’t be intimidated or defensive about things people may say to you.
-Let them have their experience
appearances are such a poor measure monson
“some are lost because they are different” – Wirthlin
Day2————
Randal A. Wright
Victor L. Brown “Satan’s ultimate goal is to destroy the family, because if he would destroy the family, he will not have won the battle; he will have won the war.” – Ensign Jan. 1974, p.108
Make your children’s friends your friends
Study shows that fathers spend around 8 minutes a day
Working mothers spend 11 minutes a day
Stay at Home moms do not spend more than 30 minutes a day
-Child 2013
“Leaders do the things others are unwilling to do.” – Randal A. Wright
——————-Day3
Stephen Duncan, Making marriages that endure
Every puppy has a back end.
1. Preserving and protecting the front end, the part you are connected with.
2. Managing the back end. Unless you deal with that, the front end can’t love or lick you enough because everything just smells
Every couple, whether in the first or the twenty-first year of marriage, should discover the value of pillow-talk time at the end of the day–the perfect time to take inventory, to talk about tomorrow. .. forgive me..if add up, possible breakdown”
Robert L. Simpson, Ensign, May 1982, 21
4:30, Brian Andre
Wednesday
Ancient Indian meaning of charity:
*****Charity: to never treat in a manner that would make them feel ‘small’, including yourself
“Without women, the whole purpose of the creation of this world would be in vain.”
Russell M. Nelson, Lessons from Eve
Jehovah was placed in them. Abram — Abraham Sara–Sarah
Veil: sacred, holy, valuable
Satan: uncover
Hadassah (Ester in Hebrew, Ester is Persian)
Ester 4:14 Who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?
The measure of our love for our fellowman and, in a large sense, the measure of our love for the Lord, is what we do for one another and for the poor and distressed. -Kimball
You gave me what you need. You acknowledged me (story of woman in need).
Let your children see that you read the scriptures
——-Friday, Goodman, Courtship
Can recognize that they don’t have the qualities in a few dates; can’t recognize in a few weeks that they DO
Personality traits are amoral—witty, good sense of humor, sensible, intelligent. Leader (tyrant), popular, charisma
Marry for character. Intellect can be used for good or bad (sarcastic, cutting).
What happens when they are tired, ticked off, failing. If all you know is their personality, you will be hurting.
-Scott: deep love of lord, determination to live commandments, kind, understanding, forgiving, willing to give of self, desire to have a family, commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home.
*****
“The fact that they go to church says very little about their righteousness.” Fact that they go to the temple when no one is looking says a lot. The greatest indicator lies in how they treat others they are not trying to impress. Especially family members and those they are not pleased with.
Remember the difference between sufficient (private behavior) and necessary (public)
Key to seeing character traits: how is their relationship with others? Their habitual, private interactions (anyone with half a brain will treat you nice when they are trying to win you over). Roommates, mother, father, siblings.
Secret tip to getting to know: 4 seasons, and a road trip.
May 1999 ensign article = read
“Being selfless is not the same as being a doormat” – Michael A. Goodman #BYUEdWeek #Relationships #Truethat
love begets love, happiness imparts happiness – Orson Pratt
“True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time. Too often expediency, infatuation, stimulation, persuasion, or lust are mistaken for love. How hollow, how empty if our love is no deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them.” -Marvin J. Ashton
Love is a decision that leads to action. Love is an action that follows a decision.
Does yes mean “you have found heaven and there will never be a problem”? NO
Ronald E. Bartholomew: D&C
Prophecies: inspired promise
D&C 4:1, A great and marvelous work. Do we know it is marvelous? We know it is work.
-of peace and eternal life
or, great and marvelous because they will be brought to destruction.
D&C 10:43, 136:17: The Lord will not suffer the wicked to destroy his work.
You have the Lord’s wisdom on your side. So many are afraid that the Devil will destroy them. NOT TRUE! You have the Holy Ghost, the light of Christ. Prophets, the Church, local leaders, scriptures. There is no way Satan can get you if you listen to his words.
What is the Lord’s work? YOU ARE. Moses 1:39
“Scriptures aren’t God’s work. They are the means He gives to bring to pass His work.” #edweek #byueducationweek (because WE ARE HIS WORK)
NYTimes.com: Hanns Madsen and doubts. What did he miss? Elder Holland’s talk.
“The Lord will not suffer the wicked to destroy his work.” -Ronald E. Bartholomew. And JS D&C 10:43
“The Lord will not suffer the wicked to destroy his work.” D&C 10:43 -Why we shouldn’t worry about trends in the world. -Ronald E. Bartholomew
D&C referencs:
Prophecies: His voice will be unto all people: 1:2, 4, 11
Knowledge of the Savior will go to all people. 3:16-20
Gospel will be taught to all nations. 42:58
Brian Tolman
The church is asking the youth to do more. The world asks less and less of us. ‘Whatever you want to do.’
———————7:10 Class
Thomas J. Taylor
How Will You Be Remembered? Crafting a Compelling Personal History
456 Martin Building (MARB), 7:10–8:05 p.m.
History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill
Life stories “should be”: 1. Complete 2. Comprehensive 3. Chronological !NOT necessarily!
The best writers “know what to leave out”
One hour values statement, ethical will; personal history highlights
Can be SPECIFIC, e.g., time period: war years, childhood, courtship
Can be NON SEQUENTIAL
-can start with a dramatic incident. Flashbacks. A patchwork of stories; by topic, theme or focused timeframe
Visual appealing
The soul never thinks without an image – Aristotle
emotional impact. Consider your audience
“The way to get good ideas is to get lots of ideas and throw the bad ones away.” -Linus Pauling
Steps to start
1. Consider the possibilities
2. Define your purpose, audience, and scope
3. create a timeline and brainstorm list
4. father inventory and personal history assets
5. add new ideas to your timeline and brainstorm list
6. select and prioritize 20 items
Audience:
Who will read your book or watch your video?
For whom is this being made?
Who are they? What are they like? What do they care about? What do they mean to you?
-they want to know what you were like when you were their age. What are commonalities you went through? What connects?
My adventures in X
All the horses I have owned–a metaphor
Funny stories about when I lived in Hollywood
Examples of God’s tender mercies
my battle with mental illness
a love story about my wife
Objective: I want to make my wife cry.
Just start filling in a timeline
Use memory trigger questions to stimulate ideas–familysearch.org ; story core; universities have great lists of questions to stimulate talking about your life. MEMORY TRIGGERS; Look at a historical timeline
Brainstorm: people; places; problems; events
Personal history assets: any palpable items: jewelry, clippings, recordings, etc.. [always add captions!]
try to involve your family–get them to give their perspective
THEN PRIORITIZE
from your timeline, ask, “If I died tomorrow, I’d have to have this story told”. Then start writing.
Personal Historian 2. Personal history software.
Day3————-
Bartholomew AWESOME
“Line Upon Line” and Continuing Revelation
****LU Bednar A faulty assumption hinders our responding to the HG
We assume we will receive and answer quickly and all at one time. Rather, many small answers over a period of time New Era, September 2010
like the light that comes from a horizon! Gradually descend on us as the dews from heaven.
We get many many small parts, that we have to act on. We get a small piece and say, ‘this doesn’t look like anything’
1. collect the puzzle pieces, here a little, there a little, by writing them down, pondering, praying, and acting/living them
2. Start to put the puzzle together
We are conditioned to get what we want now. But that is how I want it to work! -we complain.
Revelations by JS were not all at once. Revelations received by Joseph were fluid–growing, expanding and changing.
Section 25 and 27 were revised and expanded before being published in the book of commandments
Blacks and the priesthood? Polygamy? The answer is continuing revelation. That is the answer. It is only a problem if you have a faulty assumption that it comes all at once and completely.
Sometimes the answer is wait. Wait for more light.
There isn’t a way “it is always going to be” be open to the flow!
Day 4—————Bartholomew
We are excited… until we see what another person has. …till we find out where are friends are going on their mission…. until we find out what someone else’s job is…. until they find out who they are dating
“I hope I’m never the same” –What Bro. Bartholomew says after a really good talk.
Pride says “If you succeed, I am a failure.” #EzraTaftBenson #Pride #BYUEdWeek
Alma 29 sin of wanting to be an angel: It was not his role, assignment, allotment. [what e’re thou art…]
What should we desire?
Prayer is a relationship. Move it from the ‘transaction’ category.
There are few things as attractive as someone who is truly honest with themselves
two hearts, one soul = marriage ; that is ALSO what prayer is. 3 Nephi 19:24, given unto them what to say; Helaman 10:5, will not ask that which is against my will
“If you have a relationship with someone, you don’t have to remember to think about them. Develop a relationship with God”
natural and instinctive.–Prayer from bible dictionary
Prayer isn’t asking for anything, it is communion. They should be inspired by the spirit, seek his will, rather than force our will. That’s why He answers every sincere prayer.
We are living beneath what God wants for us. That is why Joseph was so eloquent. He was willing to go where God was.
Work on God’s projects, not yours.
Do not postpone a prompting; rather, act on it, and the lord will open the way. -April 2005 General Conference Monson
President Eyring, be quick to obey. Procrastination and inconsistency interrupt revelation!
Misc
8:30
Ed Gantt, Secularism
Secularism takes that only scientific answers matter, science can’t answer some questions.
Secular psychologists assume God is a myth and we are the result of spontaneous generation and evolution
Psychology’s goal: Prediction, control, and explain human behavior
“By saying that nature is lawful, we mean that every event can be understood as a predictable sequence of natural causes and effects. Thus, in the same way that the ‘law of gravity’ governs the behavior of planets or the …. psychologists assume there are laws of nature that govern the behavior of individuals. Viewing behavior as lawful leads to a second, related assumption: we assume that all behavior is ‘determined.’ Determinism means that behavior is solely influenced by natural causes and does not depend on an individual’s choice or free will… Likewise, we assume that you cannot freely choose to exhibit a particular personality or respond in a particular way in a given situation.”
Gary W. Heiman, Understanding Research Methods and Statistics
“In all instances our behavior is caused by brain events.” -Dr. Patricia M. Churchland, Reflections on the Nueral Basis of Morality
we are all part of a deterministic system that someday, in theory, we will completely understand
Dr. Michael Gazzaniga
Ethical egoism: a claim about how you ought to behave to get most pleasure out of life
Psychological egoism: you are inescapably driven to seek to maximize pleasure, even if unaware of it
“If you want to try living a higher level of your religion, try serving those who have long since stopped being noticed by most people” -H. Wallace Goddard
find a small way to make a difference
Write two or three things that went well in your week. You can always find something to be grateful for if you do this. Amplify your view!!
Ryan Sharp
Day3—————-
Trusting that the lord can heal the wounded soul
The major difference between the Lamanites and the Nephites? Armor.
Does cowering in our armor, getting hit over and over–does that sound like the plan of salvation? NO! Get out your sword of the Spirit and get proactive!
When you feel the spirit, do you have any desire to sin? NONE
Walk in the spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lusts of the flesh
Alma 44:5, the sacred word of God, to which we owe all our happiness
The God of Heaven knows our unseen wounds, and has the power to heal them. I. Have. Experienced it. #RyanSharp #BYUEdWeek
–Stockdale paradox: Optimists lasted the least amount of time in poor situations.
We’re going to be rescued by Easter… Christmas. Ergo: Be happy today.
It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.
Matt Beecher, missionary work
If you open your mouth, it becomes easier; If you don’t, it becomes harder D&C 60:2-3
“Scott, I’m going to ask you a question. But before I ask, we need to agree that our friendship won’t be affected if you decide that this isn’t of interest to you. Okay?”
Ask people to help you. E.g., it is in Spanish, and I’m rusty.
No Weapon Shall Prosper, Robert L. Millet = Great book on tough questions
Blogs That Promote Discussion:
ablogaboutlove.com
MormonPerspectives.com
NextDoorMormon.com
RealLifeAnswers.org
“I really can’t consider a Christian a good, moral person if he isn’t trying to convert me.” –Christopher Hitchens “I don’t respect people who don’t proselytize. I don’t respect that at all. If you believe that there’s a heaven and hell and people could be going to hell or not getting eternal life or whatever, and you think that it’s not really worth telling them this because it would make it socially awkward…. How much do you have to hate somebody to believe that everlasting life is possible and not tell them that?” –Penn Jillette
—————LAST CLASS
Goddard, Joy in the gospel
Three Keys to Wellbeing
1. Savor
2. Using your Strengths
3. Serve
If you have all 3, you have a full life.
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